it has been a slow but building realization that an extensive period of routine and dum dum has my hands breaking out into an unscratchable itch. My mind starts to wander more towards nostalgia and all the things i liked doing but discontinued due to either a gruelling course in college, my obsession with getting fit which means hitting the gym and training for a mini mariam track olympic record, or just getting used to working late, coming home to maintain some form of sustenance for myself and even more exhausted husband. i resort myself to going online and reading fun articles on things that are current and fun like "10 foods that will help you live longer" or "5 ways to build your credit rating" to more serious ones like "why is pancreatic cancer discovered so late" and to my husband's pleasure, numerous articles on ovarian and breast cancer to fully educate myself on the risks, causes and the preventive measures since ill be turning the big 3 OH soon. I forget sometimes that i used to find thrill in different things a few years ago, writing was one of them. filling a blog space with daily dum drims was my way of coping with now seemingly retarded stuff like losing in love and battling insecurities that suddenly, arose from it. Its sad how my best writing and my best revelations came with being a complete loser who had no time to experience the greatness and open-ness of being in her early to mid twenties. but it did push me to write, my insight was different. sad but different. i felt more human then. Lately, i havent written in MONTHS. is it because im happy? happiness that i thought i could never find? happiness that has me so overwhelmed, i cant think of putting it down in ink? that is kind of sad actually. I should, i think have the same zeal, the same urge tow rite like i did..when i was not so hoo haa. but strangely so, sitting at my office desk, on a slow day, im suddenly pushed to start this again. to just dive into something ive always liked to do. i feel odd that i dont do it anymore. Ive lost all the small number of readers i had (loyal friends who gave my blog a chance) and i dont know if ill get any readershp ever, but i still have that urge (good sign no?). i never wrote really for my blog to be discovered or read by millions. it was just an easy, convenient way of expression that was fortunate enough to achieve some interest. i just want to write again. play with words again. i hope, hope hope i can do this!